Thank You Notes

My mother, wise woman that she is, always made us write thank-you notes. Which usually resulted in us getting "thank you for thanking me" type cards from random far-flung relatives, thus resulting in more thank you notes. As torturous as I found this process at the time, I feel that she had a good point. It is important to say thank you. And I am a bit behind on my thank-you notes these days, so I figured I might as well post them for the world to see. Perhaps that will make up for the delay.

Dear Neighbor,
I really appreciate the fact that you park your 1987 Toyota in front of my house almost daily. The oil that it leaks all over the street adds character, and I'm sure value, to my home. I am so thankful that you park it in front of my house rather than your own. I also wanted to thank you for your church guests (yes, I know you are running a church out of your house) parking in front of my driveway twice a week. I feel that I must add that I thoroughly enjoy church days; not only is my driveway blocked, but I can tell the time by just looking out my front window.. those take-your-kids-out-front-to-smoke breaks really help me keep time. And, speaking of smoking, what would I do without the cigarette butts in my yard? Again, curb appeal. Thank you.

Not very sincerely,
your pissed off neighbor


Dear People Driving in Front of me in the Parking Lot the Other Day,
I just wanted to take a minute to say thank you for making me realize that I am indeed a good parent. Not only do I buckle my seat belt every time I get in the car (yes, I realize you do this, too), but I also buckle my children into their properly-installed carseats (much UNlike you do). I was having a bad day when I pulled in behind you, so thank you for cheering me up. It's good to be reminded every once in a while that I AM a good parent. Thanks again!

Not very sincerely,
The Carseat Police


Dear Mullet-Fabulous,
I just wanted to drop you a quick note to say thank you for making me laugh my ass off in the middle of grocery shopping. Your amazing style took my breath away. I absolutely love how you paired the cut-off jeans with socks, sandals, and a wife beater. Thank you for making grocery shopping a little more amusing.
Not so sincerely,
your fellow shopper


Dear Dipshit in the Tiny Car,
Thank you so much for taking not one, but two parking spots this morning in the pediatrician's parking lot with your quite miniscule car. I commend you on your driving abilities. You succesfully parked in over 20% of the total number of parking spots in a busy lot. Impressive. Thanks to a carseat-free interior (and slightly guilty look as I ranted to the secretaries about you) I was able to come to the conclusion that you were the high school student sitting in the corner of the waiting area glaring at the cowering children. So, I also feel the need to thank you for staring at my chest while I was picking up spilled toys. Thanks for making my morning just a bit easier.

Not so sincerely,
the quite happily married person attached to the boobs you were staring at

Expert Advice.

In our quest to get more than 1-2 hours of sleep in a row, DP and I have asked many people many questions. The expert advice? Not helpful. My top picks:

1. "Just deal with it, she'll eventually grow out of it." As opposed to what? Tossing her out the window? Putting her in the mailbox with a "return to sender" sticker?

2. "Let her cry." Sorry, not my style. Oh, wait, you say the same thing again after I tell you I'm not comfortable with that approach? Yes, now I will listen. Thanks.

3. "Put her down drowsy but awake." And this well help her stay asleep how? Oh, that's right, it won't. I didn't ask how to get her to sleep, I asked how to get her to STAY asleep.

4. "Read the books." I am trying to find a self-proclaimed "sleep expert" to come live with us for a few months, so far none will agree. They can write the books, I can read the books, yet BBP just isn't on the same page as us. Or anyone, for that matter. Well, perhaps a crack addict?

5. "I'm sure she sleeps more than that." You're right. I'm making it up. She sleeps like a champ. The sleep log I did for 3 days was all a lie. I made it up. Just for fun. BBP sleeps so darn much that I just have to find ways to fill the time. Sorry for asking.

Hello, my friend.

Wow. Here I sit, many months since my last post. Even though I have been awake for about 90% of BBP's life, I have no idea where the time went. Okay, that's a lie. I know just where the time has gone. It has been spent in doctor's offices, pushing through crowds at DisneyLand, sitting in waiting rooms at doctor's offices, pacing the floors at 3am with sick children, snuggling in the Big Bed, exam rooms at doctor's offices, building forts with blankets, re-arranging the playroom multiple times to accomodate more toys, and on hold with pediatric nurses. Yet is still seems that it was weeks ago that we first introduced BP to her baby sister.

So, what else has happened in the last six-ish months? The economy tanked. We went to Six Flags, apnea monitor and all. Grandparents visited. Santa Claus dropped by. We made a last-minute road trip to DisneyLand. Daddypants went back to school. I started running again. The dogs ate an insane amount of tumbleweeds. All in all, life has happened. But, most recently, I have been trying not to stress about recent medical events. That's another story though.

Now that I have spent a good amount of time in various doctor's offices I have some advice to offer.

Don't be the parent that lets your child run wild in the waiting room. I know it sucks waiting for an hour, but that doesn't make it okay for your sick, snot-nosed child to poke my sick, snot-nosed baby in the eye. If your child is at melt-down point, that's fine, we've all been there, but it is NOT okay for your to be completely oblivious to the fact that your child is driving everyone crazy. Even a "I'm sorry little Johnny is wiping snot on your purse, we've been here a long time and he missed his nap" will help.

Toys. Always have toys. And crayons. If you smile and ask nicely, I'm betting the receptionist would be happy to give you a blank piece of paper from the printer. Especially if the alternative is hearing your toddler whine "I so ssaaaaaaaaad" a million times.

Snacks. Sometimes you just need a bribe.

Clean up after your child. Even better, have your child clean up. That stack of pamphlets that got knocked over? Pick it up. Otherwise someone else has to. And it will most likely be me. And after I've cleaned up after your child and s/he once again knocks them on the floor, you had better get your lazy ass up and not only clean up the mess but discipline your child for doing it on purpose.

Get off the f'ing phone. Seriously. No wonder why your child is halfway out the door. Interact with your most likely sick and miserable child. It will help with the whole knock-shit-on-the-floor thing.

Just a few things to keep in mind next time you are waiting.